I had a long night last night (that 5 pm coffee probably wasn’t a great idea). I spent a lot of time thinking about this blog and the reactions I’ve received to it lately.
I went back and read my past few months of blog posts, and you know what? Lots of complaints. Lots of: I’m tired, the neuropathy is bothering me, chemo brain is frustrating, I’m feeling depressed, no one understands…you probably remember some of this. And those complaints paint a picture that’s much darker than it should be.
This is not to say that I wasn’t feeling all of those things, or that I think I exaggerated them. But I realize that I was only coming here to write when I had some struggle to share, or when I wanted to give other patients a heads up about what to expect. This blog has been my place to work through what I’m feeling by writing it out. I wasn’t coming here to write about the ordinary days when I didn’t think about cancer and felt pretty good. And there are plenty of those days now. If you live with me, or talk to me often, you’ve seen or heard some of the ordinary stuff. If you know me only through this blog, you haven’t.
I started out a year ago feeling strong and quite positive about my outlook. As treatment went on, and I felt the side effects more intensely, my feelings – and my writing – reflected the physical challenges. I had one long, scary, uncomfortable year. It sure wasn’t easy, but it sure could have been a lot worse. And now the worst of it is over, and if that’s as bad as things ever get for me, then I’ll be pretty lucky.
So forgive me if I haven’t made it clear that I’m alive and well and, mostly, pretty happy about it. It’s an odd thing to go from the intensity of last year to ordinary life.
And now…didn’t I say I was tired of talking about me? Next post: some thoughts about the mind/body connection and how different people I’ve met this past year have faced similar challenges in very different ways.
Thanks for sticking with me through all of this.